Kiss Chase

It was with an expectation of anger that I opened Nick Cohen's article on the Ashley Madison debacle when it popped up today on my news feed. In the end I was simply saddened by the missed opportunity it presented.


The whole Ashley Madison affair (sorry) was, to be honest, not of massive interest to me initially. That so many people seek affairs is not news. Relationships are challenging and difficult, people of all and any background sometimes stray or seek solace and comfort outside of the couple for a multitude of reasons. Entrance into a dating site is not a crime and I was of the opinion that this was, at least to some degree, a trespass too far on people's personal information.


It was Annalee Newitz's piece in Gizmodo earlier this week though, revealing the extent to which this site was a one sided fantasy land made up of millions of real men and a tiny number of women, most not real; that awakened me to the far greater and more disturbing insight this story provides, into the relationship dynamics and gendered behaviour of our culture. A status quo sadly reinforced rather than challenged by Nick's piece in the Guardian today.


Cohen, concerned that we are laughing at these naïve men, tries to entice us to more sympathy with the news that "Unless you are a stupendously handsome or famous man, or preferably both, there is nothing casual about casual sex.". "It is grindingly hard work," he tells us, "with no prospect of a grind at the end. Men must hit on dozens of women. Ignore every rejection and bound back again." ; and just in case after this, we are still determined to have no sympathy, we are reminded of the other cruel tricks such hackers play, on vulnerable women. Romance fraud - conning the desperate out of their saving, or the sharing of naked images - unscrupulous types enticing them to share intimate photographs or video that later ends up on revenge porn sites.


Cohen's concern however for the humiliation of both the men and women in these cases, misses a far deeper and more overarching issue.






As a child of the 70's I was fortunate enough that many of the toys I grew up with were non-gendered - brightly coloured Lego bricks, hand-me-down bicycles without bows or glittered logos; I am not a product of Disney princess, and I thankfully predate the divide of pink and blue aisles in toy shops. My own children have not been so lucky, and it is only on reflection I can see that my daughter's complete rejection of toys altogether, may well have been down to the narrow choices on offer to her to play mummy, housekeeper or stylist. In tern my son's ability to turn even a baby doll into a gun (using the arm as the shaft and the legs as the barrels) may in no small part have come from the swashbuckling, sword wielding, gun toting fantasies he grew up surrounded by.




Throughout life, through small and large stimuli, we force males and females into narrow gender categories. Reinforcing and rewarding vulnerability and quiet acceptance in our girls, whilst excusing and encouraging violence and outspokenness in our boys.


Through the fantasies of princesses awaiting rescue by their soldiers, knights and pirates our children grow up, playing "kiss chase" a game where boys almost universally chase the girls. They are surrounded by thousands up on thousands of images of half naked females, posed in vulnerability, in magazines, on billboards and on screen, they become the wallpaper of life and alongside them at times, the lesser seen, ripped, strong torsos of young men, ready to take action.


Over parents shoulders, in print and online in the news, stand the active, achieving and powerful men of business, politics and sport, and disbursed amongst them  - the decoratively posed women, featured for their wardrobe choices or malfunctions, their bikini bodies "papped" on the beach.


By the time they reach the early stages of romantic entanglement girls are already being called "sluts" for little or no transgression, whilst school and 6th form dress codes reinforce a sense that female bodies are a dangerous temptation that must me kept in check. Boys experience sex through online porn, learning that women often start by saying no or crying, later moaning in enjoyment at a mere touch. Peer groups push boys to talk of girls as conquests whilst girls walk a tightrope of being attractive and sexy enough, without ever admitting to actually wanting or having any sexual needs of their own; and the saddest thing - is that this so often continues into adulthood.


A few years ago, as a newly single adult woman at the age of 36, keen to explore my sexuality and to gain experience and understanding of myself. I was disappointed to find that just as at age15 - I was under pressure to fulfil an expectation of chastity, to not "give myself away too cheaply" not set a bad example to my daughter. Restrictions seemed to be in place, I must be the gatekeeper of my vagina, only lowering the defences and yielding after the magic three dates and under the pressure of coercion. In contrast the men I encountered were often quick to become sexual and intimate in their language online. On dates there was an expectation that they would have to pay for dinner or drinks and a seeming need to present themselves as the financially stable rescuer that I didn't actually need.


Fresh faced and terrified in the world of singledom I had none of this insight at the time of course. It is only now, a few years into a warm and loving relationship that I am able to see the ridiculous dance I had last performed at age sixteen that I was once again engaging in, a pretence that we continue to perpetuate, that not only risks leading to our profound unhappiness but actually puts us at greater danger of real harm.


Nick Cohen was really concerned we might be laughing at "idiot men" signing up to Ashley Maddison, maybe some were. But Speaking personally as a feminist, I am not laughing at these men, I am sad for them and for their seeming need to be in constant pursuit, ready to win over and disarm any potential partner. Likewise my issue with romance fraud or with revenge porn committed largely towards women, goes far beyond my disgust at the criminals who commit these crimes and into the very background in which a woman feels a failure without a man, or must be shamed by her sexual behavior.


What was missed here and what needs far greater discussion, is the narrative of the culture we have created. One that would paint all men as macho, sex obsessed rescuers who must both romantically woo and break down the defenses of any vulnerable and needy woman, whilst simultaneously telling you that "nice" women don't actually want or like sex as much or as often as men "need" it and restricting the sexual identity of women to simple play things to whom things are done; rather than active participants seeking to receive as well as give pleasure.


Feminism, despite it's bad press, is fighting this on all fronts. Across my social media feeds I am surrounded by feminist projects seeking to redress the balance of gender stereotyping in toys, books and clothing aimed at children. I am aware of schemes in schools seeking to teach about consent and body awareness from a young age, followed later by sex and relationship education centred around mutual respect and consent. My thirteen year old daughter watches, with my blessing, the YouTube videos of Laci Green , learning about sexual pleasure and enthusiastic consent, and in the mean time campaigns have successfully lobbied to remove Page 3, continue to fight for greater representation of women in sport, and are seeking to redress the balance of power in Westminster.


Women and girls, men and boys are far more the same than they are different. With increasing awareness of sex and gender identity as a fluid concept for many, and far more complex than the anatomy with which we happen to be born, perhaps we will accept that we each have our own individual needs and should feel no shame in seeking to fulfill them. Girls are strong, resilient and independent, boys vulnerable, unsure and gentle. Ultimately what many of us seek, no matter what our gender identity, is a fulfillment of closeness, warmth and sexual need to varying degrees. We are all unique and yet we share so many common goals and emotions.


It is only by questioning the narrative at every age, in every part of our society, in the media in which we swim or increasingly drown, and through the education to which we are entitled, that we can begin to dismantle the damage that is being done and to put it right. The culture that leads to men's humiliation at the hands of an unscrupulous website in the search of the none-existent women they are conditioned to seek, is the same one that sees women regularly sexually harassed, assaulted and raped by men who see women's boundaries as something to be overcome. If we can celebrate our individuality as human beings from the outset and throughout our lives then we can escape the restrictions and boundaries allowing us to "hook up" and enjoy each others company with mutual understanding or to find truthful and fulfilling relationships in which we can all feel safe.